Archive for the ‘The Truth about Women’ Category

The Truth about Women, Women are Different

August 23, 2009

WARNING: Only those with a balanced and fully developed sense of humor should read this post. If you don’t have a good sense of humor this could either offend you or go right over your head. Women are different than men. I know, this is a no-brainer. Women certainly look different. And in most cases they act different than men. There are some exceptions, but I the general distinctions are ok for our discussion.

I am not talking about physical or behavioral differences. Women certainly look and act different from men, and they think differently. They think weirdly. It’s really simple to understand in one sense. We men draw logical conclusions based on observable data; we’re logical. Women could care less about the data and logical conclusions. If something doesn’t feel right to them, it’s not right. How can you have a discussion or a thoughtful debate with someone who isn’t willing to accept the truth of reality and makes things up as she goes along based in what she feels?

Women also have different priorities. They are relational. And they are relationally connected to everything in their lives. If the towels aren’t hanging properly on the rack then their whole life is in disarray. It doesn’t matter that you close the bathroom door and lock the bolt lock on the outside. She still worries.

She thinks, “What if we get in a car accident and my towels don’t match?” A man thinks, “Then we’ll be dead and nothing matters anymore. Are you crazy woman?” Now a wise man keeps his mouth shut and doesn’t answer the question.  For a woman her question is rhetorical, and it is not to be answered logically. Instead of thinking logically, she thinks, “If I die, then my mother, or my sister, or worse, your mother will come to the house to console you and the kids. She will go in the bathroom and see the towels hanging improperly and think I was a horrible wife and mother.”  To a man this kind of thinking is bizarre.

That is weird thinking. Women think differently.

Now how does this relate to impressing women with your cooking? Good question. I tried  to think of a good answer, and couldn’t. I guess this is just unrelated free stuff.

The Truth about Women, Part 1, Women Actually Believe We Need Them

August 18, 2009

            Let’s admit it from the get go: Women are complicated, confusing, and impossible to understand. I’m not a psychologist or marriage counselor. However, I am a man, a man whose Intelligence Quotient is slightly to the right side of the Bell Shaped Curve. I am capable of drawing conclusions based on the data drawn from my own personal observations. I’m sure many of you (if not most) have drawn some of the same conclusions I have. While these are not new, it will pay us to pay attention to them.

             Perhaps you have heard the old joke—Where would men be without women? In the Garden of Eden. Women just don’t get it. They think we need them.  They think we need someone to clean up after us. They think we need someone to pack our lunches. They think we need someone to look after the kids and do the shopping. They think we need someone to wash our clothes, press them, keep them folded in the drawers, and then lay them out color coordinated each morning.

You know this, men, it’s a secret we keep from them, they’re wrong. We don’t need anyone to clean up after us. It’s the women who have this cleanliness fetish. As long as there is a path and we know where the tools are, we’re ok. Underwear can be worn more than once, all you need do is give it a quick sniff. If it’s not funky, then it is a go. And by golly how hard is it to find a television station on the TV that won’t keep the children’s attention engaged. If you feel that TV turns minds into paste, then just turn to Animal Planet.

I survived without my wife or mother while I was in college. You just piled your clothes in the corner until your roommates told you to wash them. Then you took them to the laundry and put them in one of those industrial sized washing machines and dropped the quarters. What could be simpler?

Ironing? That is why God created perma-press. If the perma becomes imperma, you buy a new shirt. If you do pick up a few wrinkles in the car in the morning, not to worry, the minute you drop sausage-biscuit crumbs on it, it doesn’t matter any way.

Now here’s the question we have all asked our women: “What’s the big deal, if I’m wrinkled? I personally don’t care. I can’t see that I’m wrinkled. People can just live with it.”

            Their answer: “You don’t care, but I care. It’s a reflection on me!”

            Ahhah!  Now we’re getting somewhere. Insight into the mind of a woman! They aren’t ironing our clothes for us. They are ironing our shirts for themselves. Do the guys at work care if your shirts have a wrinkle or two in them? No. It’s the girls in the office; they are the ones that the women in our lives are worried about, being worried about the wrinkles. (You may need to reread that sentence.) Can’t you see the women at work whispering in the cubicles, or in the break room? “Look at Rod. His shirt is wrinkled. His wife is a Loser.” And they all do the “L” thing on their forehead, giggle like 12 year olds, and high five!  Aw come on, that’s ridiculous!

            What’s the real fear? Are they afraid that one of those women might become attracted to our oozing masculinity and charm? Then why not leave us in wrinkles? Here’s the key men: the women in our lives dress themselves up so that they can impress the other women at work. The women in our lives dress us up for the same purpose.

            When she asks, “Do I look fat?” or “How does this new blush look?” Tell her that Ralph the maintenance man will find her so hot that he’ll have to roll up his tongue. After that response she’ll then explain things to you. Patiently listen, nodding your head and dropping in a “I’m sorry.” What you will find out is that it’s not about looking hot for Ralph, but that she wants to look as good as or better than the other women at work.  She wants to impress them.

            Now this is very important to understanding women. They want to dress you to look good to impress other women too. However, the response they want is a little different than you might think. They want you to look good to other women, so that the  other women will look at you and think, “Wow, Rod looks pretty nice today, he sure has a great wife with good taste.  I wonder where she bought her iron? Maybe I should ask.”

You see it is all about the impression. That’s why it is important to seek to impress women. They like to impress, and they like to feel impressed. We know this naturally. This is why I balanced and walked along the top of the chain-linked fence when I was in 5th grade. To impress the girls who were watching. Of course the fall that resulted in a broken collar bone also worked because I got some additional attention showing off the neck brace I was given at the hospital.

But this is the purpose of this blog—to help men find an easy way of impressing the women in your lives—cook for them.