The Truth about Women, Part 1, Women Actually Believe We Need Them

            Let’s admit it from the get go: Women are complicated, confusing, and impossible to understand. I’m not a psychologist or marriage counselor. However, I am a man, a man whose Intelligence Quotient is slightly to the right side of the Bell Shaped Curve. I am capable of drawing conclusions based on the data drawn from my own personal observations. I’m sure many of you (if not most) have drawn some of the same conclusions I have. While these are not new, it will pay us to pay attention to them.

             Perhaps you have heard the old joke—Where would men be without women? In the Garden of Eden. Women just don’t get it. They think we need them.  They think we need someone to clean up after us. They think we need someone to pack our lunches. They think we need someone to look after the kids and do the shopping. They think we need someone to wash our clothes, press them, keep them folded in the drawers, and then lay them out color coordinated each morning.

You know this, men, it’s a secret we keep from them, they’re wrong. We don’t need anyone to clean up after us. It’s the women who have this cleanliness fetish. As long as there is a path and we know where the tools are, we’re ok. Underwear can be worn more than once, all you need do is give it a quick sniff. If it’s not funky, then it is a go. And by golly how hard is it to find a television station on the TV that won’t keep the children’s attention engaged. If you feel that TV turns minds into paste, then just turn to Animal Planet.

I survived without my wife or mother while I was in college. You just piled your clothes in the corner until your roommates told you to wash them. Then you took them to the laundry and put them in one of those industrial sized washing machines and dropped the quarters. What could be simpler?

Ironing? That is why God created perma-press. If the perma becomes imperma, you buy a new shirt. If you do pick up a few wrinkles in the car in the morning, not to worry, the minute you drop sausage-biscuit crumbs on it, it doesn’t matter any way.

Now here’s the question we have all asked our women: “What’s the big deal, if I’m wrinkled? I personally don’t care. I can’t see that I’m wrinkled. People can just live with it.”

            Their answer: “You don’t care, but I care. It’s a reflection on me!”

            Ahhah!  Now we’re getting somewhere. Insight into the mind of a woman! They aren’t ironing our clothes for us. They are ironing our shirts for themselves. Do the guys at work care if your shirts have a wrinkle or two in them? No. It’s the girls in the office; they are the ones that the women in our lives are worried about, being worried about the wrinkles. (You may need to reread that sentence.) Can’t you see the women at work whispering in the cubicles, or in the break room? “Look at Rod. His shirt is wrinkled. His wife is a Loser.” And they all do the “L” thing on their forehead, giggle like 12 year olds, and high five!  Aw come on, that’s ridiculous!

            What’s the real fear? Are they afraid that one of those women might become attracted to our oozing masculinity and charm? Then why not leave us in wrinkles? Here’s the key men: the women in our lives dress themselves up so that they can impress the other women at work. The women in our lives dress us up for the same purpose.

            When she asks, “Do I look fat?” or “How does this new blush look?” Tell her that Ralph the maintenance man will find her so hot that he’ll have to roll up his tongue. After that response she’ll then explain things to you. Patiently listen, nodding your head and dropping in a “I’m sorry.” What you will find out is that it’s not about looking hot for Ralph, but that she wants to look as good as or better than the other women at work.  She wants to impress them.

            Now this is very important to understanding women. They want to dress you to look good to impress other women too. However, the response they want is a little different than you might think. They want you to look good to other women, so that the  other women will look at you and think, “Wow, Rod looks pretty nice today, he sure has a great wife with good taste.  I wonder where she bought her iron? Maybe I should ask.”

You see it is all about the impression. That’s why it is important to seek to impress women. They like to impress, and they like to feel impressed. We know this naturally. This is why I balanced and walked along the top of the chain-linked fence when I was in 5th grade. To impress the girls who were watching. Of course the fall that resulted in a broken collar bone also worked because I got some additional attention showing off the neck brace I was given at the hospital.

But this is the purpose of this blog—to help men find an easy way of impressing the women in your lives—cook for them.

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